Saturday, May 8, 2010

02/05/10 – Musings of a Broken Man (An Overview & growing up)

Everybody seems to be going blog crazy so I thought it might be time to get into the action. I think starting a blog could be very therapeutic and maybe help me look at a lot of things plaguing my life. I am a broken man and sometimes feel as though all that I am doing is avoidance and not tackling the problem head on. At least I am man enough to admit that I am broken Human, man enough to admit that I am to blame for my own predicament and man enough to admit that only one person can change or fix things and that ultimately is me.

One of the things I do regularly is a lot of self-psychoanalysis. At Uni I did a subject for one semester ‘Psychoanalysis and Phenomenology’ and a lot of that made perfect sense to me. There are reasons people act the way they do. I often find myself psychoanalyzing my friends and people I know in my head when I meet and talk to them. It’s very rare that I share my thoughts with them because a lot of people don’t like what I have to say about them. Also the fact that I am not qualified in any way at all makes me hesitant to share my views. Some people press me to share and are mostly offended and don’t agree with my hypothesis. I realize the truth hurts and people don’t like acknowledging harsh realities especially about their own lives. I’m no exception. That’s why avoidance is my best friend.

Why am I telling you all this? I think I’m just setting a background for how I have come to the conclusion I am broken. Why I am who I am. Why I don’t like the person who looks back at me in the mirror on a daily basis.

I realize this is a very cliché place to start but I want to start back a long time ago when I was a little boy. I was always a little bit different to the other children. Children can be brutally honest amongst themselves and not even realize the cruelty they are inflicting on others. So I don’t blame anybody in any way but I was always referred to as a bit of weirdo, a bit strange. Even at home. I was a very affectionate young boy and that was frowned upon in my family. My family isn’t so big on emotional things like hugs and kisses. I was always led to believe that crying was a sign of weakness. Any physical emotional response was met with resistance. So as a result I grew up into an adolescent who was clueless when it came to how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Plus having friends who also had no idea how to interact with them didn’t help and I was probably given some bad advice along the way.

Even back then I totally lacked confidence which still haunts me to this very day. Despite being a reasonably intelligent young man I wasn’t very sporty or very good looking and it always seemed the boys who played footy got the girls at school. I guess in a small country town that is always going to be the way. Don’t get me wrong I had plenty of female friends in High School, they all seemed okay with me but always made it abundantly clear that nothing was ever going to happen relationship wise or sexually so I knew to never go there. Really frustrating when you see some of these footyheads using them and bragging to the other boys in the footy team.

But I felt there was nothing I could do. It was such a difficult time for a confused teenager. Not unlike the Matrix “Blue Pill/Red Pill” dilemma. What would you do? The right thing and try and warn your female friends about what the boys were really up to, knowing that it wouldn’t ever change their thoughts of you and convince them you were the guy they should be going out with. Or would you give these guys that you secretly despised inside the ‘inside info’ to help them add another notch to their belt in the hope they would let you hang out and feel part of the group. For a teenage boy discovering his own sexuality not a pleasant choice to have to make. It was around this time I did make a choice. I stood up for what was right. I lost mates, the girls thought I was a kind hearted guy (you’re such a great friend Wes thank you) and I was destined to never have a high school girl friend.


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