Monday, June 14, 2010

14/06/10 – Discovering the Forums

Well it was December 2008. I had a day off work and was at home and thinking of going to visit my local Parlour Studio 54. I wanted to give them a ring and find out if any specials were on. Anyways I did a Google search on Studio 54 and this site called Fun In Australia came up. What’s this I thought to myself? So I created a profile and had a bit of a look around. I had no idea that sites like this existed and I was amazed to find that people actually reviewed Working Ladies. What a cack! So off I went exploring some of my old haunts to see if there were reviews of any ladies I had seen. This is when I stumbled up on a review of a lady I had seen as a regular at 20 Hocking Street by a man called Princely. Wow what a great piece of writing I thought. So I clicked on the link in his signature and found a total of more than 200 reviews by the same man. I was amazed.

Well reading all these reviews kept me very busy and I didn’t post much at all. However noticed there was a chat room so decided to jump in and see what was going on. Well on my first ever night in the chat room there were 2 ladies in the room and they were very welcoming. Their names were MaryJane and Abagail of Sydney. It didn’t take long and I became a bit of a chat room regular and was amazed to find out that MaryJane worked at my local parlour Studio 54. The one I was looking for info on when I found the forum. So after getting to know her a little via the chat room I decided that I would make a booking wither and make her my first ever review.

After this I went to a couple of drinks nights and met some pretty cool people. It was at this point I started to notice the forum politics that was happening at the time and decided I would steer clear of it as best I could. (Wishful thinking considering the forum wars which ensued just a few months later) It was at that point I was befriended by a gentleman known in the forums as ‘the rock’. He seemed like a nice enough fella. He gave me a lift to and from a couple of drinks nights. Well ‘Rocko’ was banned from the FIA chat room. It was a little strange in my opinion. Anyways he told me to join up at this other site called SDU which was a little bit like FIA so I joined up.

This was in May 09. When I joined SDU it was like a ghost town. There would be lucky to have been one or two posts a day. The only regular contributors at that stage were bbt, OMS, mw, Robyn, alias, Lani, Ambrosia and EggShen. At that time the site just had its first drinks night. I made a casual suggestion in a thread that maybe they should consider Melbourne for a drinks night and next thing you know bbt is on the phone asking me if I’d like to organize it. So began my semi-official involvement in SDU.

At this stage the truth came out about ‘the rock’ and he was banned from all the forums. When I read about his banning I never contacted him again. What also happened was I discovered that SDU wasn’t just a mini FIA, it was a community with a totally different focus. Don’t get me wrong FIA is a fantastic site and I love reading the reviews and interacting with people there. I just think SDU is much more all encompassing of all parts of the industry where as FIA is more ‘buyer protection’ focused. So over the ensuing months our membership increased and people started to contribute more. The night after the SDU Christmas Party in December I had Dinner with Tony and he asked me if I’d like to come on board as a moderator. I got the feeling there was not a lot of choice in it so I accepted and the next day SDUModBot was born.

It was a baptism of fire. I had planned on not only being anonymous to the community but to the other Mods as well. At the time there was a lot of turmoil on SDU so I had to reveal myself to the other members of the team as PM communication was not fast enough when I had the guys on my personal MSN lol. During this time I have been able to separate my modding duties and my punting. I have made some great friends from the forum and think I have become a better person from all of it. Yes I am broken yes I am sad sometimes, yes SDU takes up a lot of my time with no financial reward. But the reward for me is seeing how this community has evolved from the ‘Tumbleweed’ days when I first joined and having some friendships which I hope will continue after I hang up the punting boots.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

30/05/10 – Hitting Rock Bottom.

So anyways after working 7 years for the one company and working my way up from a casual, to Permanent Part time and increasing my hours to almost full time, we had new owners come in. We were called to meetings. All staff on a Part Time contracts were to have their hours cut by 25%. At the time a full time contract was 74 hours a fortnight. My part time contract was 68.5 hours for the fortnight. When you take 25% out of that it is a significant chunk. I was struggling to make ends meet as it was. There was no way I could afford a pay cut of that magnitude. Great reward for 7 years of loyalty huh? This was on a Wednesday. When I got home that night I applied for about 50 jobs on Seek. Having not made a job application for over 7 years I felt out of touch and had no idea what I was doing. I took the next day off (Thursday). It was my long 9-7 shift. Wouldn’t you know it I got like 4 callbacks. One was for a full time role in a Call Centre. I thought to myself, Call Centre? I hate those pricks that ring you when you’re having dinner and stuff. But it was full time (At that stage at 29 years old I’d never had a full time job before, quite sad really) so I thought what the hell.

The next day was Friday and I was working my half day 12-5. Had the interview at 10 in the morning and it seemed to go okay. Anyway I was at work and they called me. Answering your mobile on the store floor was a big no no, but I didn’t give a shit at that stage. So the HR lady told me I had been successful in my application. WHOOO HOOOO! So immediately I walked off the shop floor and caught the lift up to level nine the Payroll/Admin Dept. I saw the person looking after my department and said and I quote. “What do I have to do to give 2 weeks’ notice?” So I wrote a resignation letter on the back of a returns slip and was so glad to have the shackles taken away. I had been working in a job I hated for 7 years. This was going to be the start of a new Era for me. I couldn’t wait to get stuck into it.

So 2 weeks later I started my career as an inbound customer service consultant. In training I seemed to excel at learning the computer systems. I picked up the product knowledge really quickly (It was an Internet Provider I was working for after all) and I was excited yet shitting myself for when we went live on the phones. Well it turned out I was really good at it. The days went so much quicker than my old job and when I got home at the end of the day I didn’t have a sore back, or sore legs from standing all day on a concrete floor. Also it was better pay than I had ever experienced in my life. The other part I loved about it was I had gone from working in a team where I was the youngest to working in a team where I was the oldest. I made some incredible friends, people I am still friends with today. My social life changed dramatically. I was out and about doing stuff most nights. Life was great. For the first time in my adult life I was almost happy. So much so, that during this time I didn’t feel the need for punting at all. I didn’t have the need to fill a void like I did previously.

Career wise in a short space of time things went well. It took less than 6 months and I was off the phones doing floor support, then I was taking Escalated calls (you know when you’re on the phone and you crack it and ask to speak to the supervisor, that was me LMAO). I even became a part of the Training and Development team and was taking advanced systems training. I was loving life. Things were fantastic I was so happy. That’s why what happened next was such a blow and such a kick in the teeth. In our call centre we had loads of email banter not dissimilar to interaction on Adult Forums. We were all friends and we didn’t mind taking the piss out of each other. Anyways a close mate of mine hurt his leg and his wound got infected and he took some time off. When he returned the banter continued it was good times. Anyways I made up an email mentioning there was a smell of rotting flesh coming from the IT dept where this guy worked. I only CC’d a handful of people. Everybody thought it was hilarious.

So anyway the contract manager tapped me on the shoulder and said she needed to have a quick chat. This wasn’t in irregular occurrence so I didn’t think twice about it. When I walked in there was a panel of people. I sat down and they pushed a printout of my email in front of me and asked “can you explain this please?” Errr.. It’s a joke I said. Everybody thought it was funny. The guy who I was poking fun at thought it was funny. What’s the issue? Well they gave me a sheet with a list of rules and regulations I had broken. Things from code of conduct to misuse of company email to Workplace Bullying. You name it; it was a pretty damning list. This was a Tuesday afternoon. I was told I was to go home as I was under a paid suspension and was to return on Thursday for a disciplinary hearing. I was shocked. I hadn’t seen this coming. This behavior was very very common in our workplace. The person I was kidding around with us was one of my best mates there. A guy who’s Birthday I had attended, he had attended mine. I even invited his Dad to my Birthday drinks. It just didn’t make sense.

So I had a couple of days off. I was pretty shaken up. But I spent a good deal of time preparing a defence. I was more than happy to cop whatever they dished out to me, as long as others who were engaging in the same behavior were treated the same. I also wanted to push the fact that I was friends with this guy and that he wasn’t offended and had actually found the joke funny himself. The level of support I got from my co-workers was overwhelming. They couldn’t believe what had happened. My friends were angry. So Thursday came around. I put my case forward. I believe I put forward a very convincing argument. So much so they told me they needed 3 hours to deliberate. All disciplinary hearings I had observed previously they usually knew the decision they were reaching beforehand so didn’t need much deliberation. So I went to the city and one of my old favourite pubs the Melbourne Central Lion which I think I have mentioned in previous Blog entries, for lunch. I returned to find out what my fate would be.

I was informed that after a lot of thought they had reached the difficult decision to terminate my employment. I was gutted. They asked me if I had anything to say and I said I was happy to cop this on the chin as long as they pulled everybody else in for a chat and put them through a similar process. I was escorted from the building like a common criminal. They didn’t even allow me to get my belongings from my locker or anything. So I walked out and didn’t look back and made my way home a broken man. I don’t think I am yet to recover fully from this setback almost 2 years later. For the record I am still friends today with the guy the email was about. And they never disciplined anybody else. Looks like I was to be made an example out of. I still don’t understand why they chose me but such is life.

So I got a handy payout and lucky it was late July as I also got my fat tax return so I could support myself for a little bit. All in all I spent 3 months at home. I hardly left the house, I would stay up till 6am and surface mid to late afternoon. The highlight of my life was watching the Trisha Goddard show on UKTV (think a British version of Jerry Springer) at 4:15am every day. I started to get used to the lifestyle and then the money ran out. What the fuck was I going to do? I even considered moving back home. I had hit rock bottom.


Monday, May 17, 2010

17/05/10 – The joys of Internet Dating

So a few years back I decided to take a bit of a break from punting and attempt to rejoin the real world and see if I couldn’t find myself a nice girlfriend. So I decided to take the plunge and give the old Internet dating thing a try. So I paid my subscription and spent ages trying to get my profile right. Well anyways I started to send out messages and such. I was so keen at the beginning. It didn’t take long for me to lose faith. You can only send out so many messages without response before getting disheartened. All in all I was a member there for around 12 months. During that time I had a total of 3 dates which all ended up with the same result “you’re such a lovely guy, not quite what I’m looking for. We can be friends if you like…” yeah it was the usual story.

I had a date with a girl called Hannah. She had Red hair, freckles and a nice curvy figure and was in her late 20’s. She liked to drink beer and loved football (round ball variety) so our msn chats were always lively. I had some good hopes for this one. We met in a trendy bar in the city for a couple of pints after work one lazy Tuesday evening. We seemed to get along well. I was pleased with how it went and was keen to see her again. I was hoping she would too. So when I hit her up on msn it didn’t take long for her to drop the news. It was disappointing to say the least. I tried not to let it get me down and remain positive. You can’t expect miracles from the internet now can you?

Next I had a date with a girl who was in the same suburb as me. So we met at a local cafĂ© to see how it went. She was a year or two older than me, brunette and really very attractive. Also very smart. A real good conversationalist. We had a few drinks and I had a really nice time. I even gave her a lift home. This one (sadly I can’t remember her name) didn’t wait for msn or email. She told me to my face that this wasn’t going to work and that I wasn’t what she was after. I took a deep breath. This was just another bump in the road. To be expected I kept telling myself.

I then met a younger girl called Gemma. She was a curvy blonde with the most gorgeous face. Now she was pretty upfront and said she just wanted a casual fuck buddy type of relationship which I was very open to. So I went over to her place with a bottle of wine and some chocolates. We had some wine and sat on the couch and watched a DVD. After the movie was over she told me I was a very nice guy and very respectful and pleasant but she wasn’t attracted to me like that. Okay, a little bizarre after we had exchanged photos, naughty videos and all sorts of things but I didn’t get angry. I thanked her for the nice night and drove over an hour to get home.

So all in all from my 12 month Internet dating adventure I reckon I spent hours on hours composing hundreds of emails, spent hundreds of dollars on subscription fees, spent a fair whack on phone calls and text messages. At the end I ended up only having the three dates. All were lovely girls but none of them were into me. So it led me to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with the girls, nothing wrong with the internet dating site, nothing wrong with my expectation levels but plenty wrong with me. So I cancelled my membership and went back to punting. At least you are guaranteed some intimacy at the end and dollar for dollar it seems to be much better investment. Plus you don’t have to live through the disappointment of being told you’re a wonderful guy but I’m not into you like that. Is it any wonder I’m broken?


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

11/05/10 – Knowing when to hold em and when to fold em

So after I moved back to Melbourne and was working in my first ever real job I found myself punting much more frequently than ever before. As I was only working part time I would maybe punt once every 4-6 months, when I could afford it. Funnily enough I lived literally a 3 minute walk from a local brothel. Incidentally it was the first ever brothel I visited and it became my regular place. It was here I discovered my first regular. I reckon I saw her maybe half a dozen times over a couple of years. Her name was Lisa, she was Asian and petite and I reckon she had to be in her late 30’s or early 40’s. It was with Lisa I discovered my love of DATY. It was always fun catching up for a half hour booking (all I could afford in those days). I remember one booking that we had. Lisa was sitting on my face and we were in a 69 position and I gave her an earth shattering orgasm and she grabbed me and started kissing me all over my face saying “Thankyou Thankyou, I needed that”. It turns out she hadn’t orgasmed in three days of working. I was shocked and amazed at the same time and thought to myself what are these guys doing?

It was around this time I found myself entering a really bad part of my life. Working part time only I couldn’t afford to punt as much as I liked, so I would try my luck every Pay Day at the pub on the poker machines. It started off small time, just dropping in a $20 or a $50 trying to turn it into enough money for a booking. Before I knew it I was dropping half of my pay and living on cans of soup and 2 minute noodles. It wasn’t good. Maybe once every 6 months I would have a big win and walk home with over $1000 but more often than not I would be down $300-$400. It took me close to 2 years to realize that maybe if I stopped gambling I could actually afford the thing I was gambling to be able to afford. Crazy Crazy Crazy. So I managed to kick the gambling habit. It was hard. These days I save up for punts the old fashioned way. Through budgeting and sacrifice. Since joining the forums I have become much more satisfied with my ‘purchases’ and feel like I have a fun hobby. I have been fortunate enough to meet some fantastic WL’s who have helped me believe there are still some good people in the world. For that I will always be grateful.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

09/05/10 – Mothers Day

So I sit here at home having just returned from a strange but enjoyable evening. I went to a friend’s place for dinner and beers. She had a couple of mates over too. The chicken was good the beers were better, then I hear the revelation that we were going out. *Sigh* I didn’t really want to go out but hey decided to anyways. So we went to one of my old favorites’ the Melbourne Central Lion Bar. It hasn’t changed a bit. Still heaps of Asian students, still the group of Africans who dominate the pool tables and Cover Band whom all the 30 something’s dance and sing along to. All the cover band classics came out, Sweet Dreams, Jessie’s Girl the whole lot. Any way one of the guys in our group appeared to be going pretty hard trying to pick up a nice 20 something brunette. She was one of the most attractive girls on that entire dance floor. This guy is a little older than me and seemed to be doing alright with it.

Cut to an hour or two later and we are moving onto the next venue and this guy hadn’t picked up this girl and felt like discussing it with me and asked me if I thought he was crazy. What had happened was this girl was married and unhappy and this was her first night out in like 6 months. She was really happy to get the attention it made her feel a little wanted again as she doesn’t get that impression at home anymore. She also told this guy she would have been more than happy to sleep with him if he wanted. So the guy had done the right thing and told her to go home to her man with a smile on her face which she did. I turned to him and said “no I don’t think you’re crazy at all mate, you did the right thing and that’s what’s important.” “I think your right.” He said. Well that put a smile on my face. See ladies there are some guys who remember how to treat girls properly. Don’t be hating on us all the time.

Well I will be back with some more juicy stuff tomorrow or the next day but as it is Mothers Day I wanted to share something positive for once.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

06/05/10 – Back to reality, Oh there goes gravity…

So I moved back in with my folks. I don’t think I ever adjusted properly. After 3 years of living away from home and getting used to living my way it was very difficult to readjust to a structured family routine. It caused massive friction between my mother and I. I was unemployed and receiving not a lot from the government in benefits as my parents had too many assets. Never mind they couldn’t afford to look after me. I found myself going to the local nightclubs till closing time every Thursday, Friday and Saturday Night (they were only open those nights) without fail. In fact the less time I could spend at home the better. I was applying for heaps of jobs but as a young guy with no experience at anything and no references it was tough. I got rejected for a factory sweeper as I was ‘overqualified’. What a joke, life was getting tough. I ended up taking an Orange Picking gig just to get the fuck out of the house. So I was getting up at 5, drove 40 minutes to start work before sunup. I would pick a bin knock off around 2pm and make a whopping $26 for the day before tax. I would come home exhausted. 40+ degree heat took its toll.

After 6 weeks I decided I just couldn’t go on and quit. So I went home and faced the music. When I told my mother about quitting my job she was not amused and we had the biggest fight ever. These are words I will never forget, she said she was “ashamed to have me as her son” and that I was a “disgrace to the family”. It wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Anyways one Saturday I was reading the Saturday paper and saw an ad for a 4 week retail course back in Melbourne. If you had a Health Care card the course cost $70 instead of the usual $600. So I crashed on my mates couch (this same mate is my current housemate), completed the four weeks of TAFE, did four weeks of unpaid work experience and ended up with a job. I’ve been living here in Melbourne ever since.

Incidentally after being back in Melbourne for a few months I found myself at a Seminar called the Landmark forum which was like a self help cultish type of thing where people would get up in front of the group and find themselves spilling their guts. We were all encouraged to do something big, contact that relative we haven’t spoken to for years and tell them we forgive them. So what did stupid old me do. I called my mother. I told her I forgave her for what she had said to me months earlier. She was shocked. She told me she didn’t recall saying that, started crying and we didn’t speak for over 6 months after that. These days we are better than ever but at the time I felt pretty bad. This was meant to be a seminar about fixing your life and it just made mine worse.


05/05/10 – The Uni Years

Well after the adventure that was high school I found myself in the very lucky position of being offered a university place despite my atrocious entry score. It was daunting, I had no family within 550 kms and it was the first time living away from home. I decided to live on Student accommodation the first year. Daunting yes but also very very exciting. I was going to meet heaps of new friends, follow my dream, and become an adult (hopefully). Throughout High School I was involved in multiple school productions and joined the local theatre group and was involved there. At the time it was my passion. Put me on a stage in front of a large group of people and my confidence problems disappeared. Not only that I was good! I could do amazing things with my voice, I could do accents, I could do comedy, drama, and you name it. That’s why I was so stoked to be accepted into a Performance Art course. It was going to be awesome.

Now growing up in a conservative country town the first week of Uni was the most massive culture shock ever. Before Uni I had never met an Asian person (that wasn’t an exchange student) before, I’d never met a gay or lesbian person before and I had never seen black people who were not Aboriginals before. At that stage I was scared of gay people, thought Asian people were trying to take over our country and black people just wanted to mug me. How naive and stupid I was. It only took a week or so and I realized these were just normal people. I couldn’t believe my previous attitudes and was angry at myself for thinking that way.

So I very quickly established myself on the Uni Party Circuit. I used to get $155 a fortnight in Austudy payments and managed to feed myself, get pissed 6 out of 7 nights a week and live the student lifestyle to the fullest. So many stories, so little time. There is a couple I want to touch upon though as they burn in my brain and I will never forget these moments. There was this girl I had a bit of a crush on. Her name was Vanessa. She was blonde, busty (Can you see the pattern emerging here) and down to earth. Heaps of fun, liked a drink and a laugh and there was a group of us that used to go drinking between classes and at the end of the day. There was also a girl part of our group called Cherry. She was the butchiest lesbian you would ever be likely to come across. Mo Hawk haircut, wore the baggy jeans and the flanny, rode a scooter to uni, and had the unshaved armpits and all. She was also a bit of a man hater but seemed to tolerate me (I’m inoffensive and I shout people drinks lmao) but anyways I had been building myself up to asking Vanessa out for some one on one time. I decided the best plan of attack would be to get her on her own one night drinking and ask her if she’d like to go out for dinner. Anyway, I kept procrastinating about it (You know lack of confidence, fear of rejection etc) and one night I was getting a round of pints at the bar and I came back to see Vanessa and Cherry going at it like there was no tomorrow. I nearly dropped the pints where I stood! I DID NOT see that one coming. I was shocked.

A little part of me died inside that night. Some of my innocence was lost but it was all part of growing up I suppose. The other story of note is a similar but different situation. One of my Uni drinking buddies was a guy called Rob. Rob was gay, but you wouldn’t think it talking to him. Just a regular bloke. Anyway we had a few nights on the piss and if I was short for a taxi Id crash on his couch and stuff. Anyways we were both really really pissed one night it was about 3am and Rob was trying to tell me I was an in the closet homosexual. I laughed at this. The reason I know I’m not gay is because when I look at everyday girls and women I reckon I find the majority of them attractive and desirable. With men I might find 1 in a thousand worth a second glance, and they are usually those really girly looking guys with soft features but I digress. Rob asked if he could kiss me. I said no as despite liking him as a friend I wasn’t interested in men at all. Rob didn’t like being rejected and came over and tried to sit on my lap and kiss me anyway. I told him to stop. He didn’t and I was forced to push him off me. I restrained his hands and I told him to never do that again. I walked out into the cold Melbourne Winter and found the nearest tram stop and waited for the first tram home. After that Rob and I never spoke again.

This incident messed with my head a bit. Made me start to question my sexuality and generally affected my mood. So anyways after 3 years of study I still had a dozen subjects to complete and massive debts from spending my rent money on booze and the odd hooker. I made the difficult choice to drop out of Uni and move home to live with my parents again. When I dropped out of Uni I lost the passion for Performance and haven’t been back to the stage. I miss those days. I miss performing, I miss writing and I miss partying every night, but it was for the best. I had to become a citizen of the ‘real world’.


04/05/10 – Falling in love

It was in High School I fell in love for the first time. She was a new arrival in town and at our school. Her family moved to our town from a similar small town in South Australia. For those of you who don’t believe in love at first sight, you just haven’t experienced it yet. This girl was the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Amie her name was. Long Natural Blonde hair, slightly tanned skin and just the most attractive smile I have ever seen. I was smitten immediately. So what does a boy with zero confidence do in this situation? He doesn’t just walk up and ask the girl out. In his brain he comes up with the most elaborate plan ever. We only shared a couple of classes so I decided to manufacture a situation where she would have to sit next to me. It took a few tries but it eventually happened.

What happened next changed my little boring teenage life forever. She was just as weird and crazy as me! We liked the same things; we both had the same sense of humour. OMG I had no idea what was happening to me. I had never felt like this. I wanted to be sitting next to her 24 hours a day. I guess that’s the power of love for real hey? So what happened was we became best friends in a very short space of time. She would ring me up most days after school and we would talk for hours. But of course I never had the confidence to take the next step and ask her to go out with me. I was so afraid of rejection. A fear I still carry around with me today. So what happened next was heart breaking.

My best mate at the time, well mates isn’t the right term, associates was more like it, decided to ask out Amie and she said yes. I was shattered. I pretended to be happy for them etc. They made the strangest pair. I could tell that Amie didn’t really like him that much but whatever. Our friendship continued to grow and grow. She would come over to my house after school and I would go to hers. All this whilst she was going out with this other guy. It was weird but still I didn’t have the guts to tell her how I really felt. Anyways she eventually realized that the guy was a bit of a cockhead and dumped his sorry ass and this made me happy.

So months passed by and I psyched myself into revealing my feelings on Valentine’s Day. I wrote a poem and made a card and was all excited. I left the card on her locker and ran away and waited for the reaction. When she approached me the look on her face said it all. You could see the disappointment in her eyes. I got the old “you’re an awesome guy and such a good friend, but I don’t like you in that way” speech. The first of many from various female friends over the years. It really messed with my head. It wasn’t Amie’s fault; I don’t blame her in any way. It put a stop to our friendship for a while. We managed to re-establish it again but it was never quite the same. I still ached for her every day. It wasn’t until about a year after I moved to Melbourne I was able to get her out of my mind.

Looking at the whole thing from a psychoanalytic point of view I think it is possibly one of the main reasons I have become such a prolific punter. It is much less likely you will be rejected when you are paying somebody for their time. It is also the reason why I have never approached anybody and asked them out I suppose. I think I live in a little padded bubble never moving out of my comfort zone. I know it’s a cop out to blame my Adult awkwardness on this one incident but I feel if she had agreed to go out with me there and then in year 12 I would be a much different person today. Maybe I wouldn’t be so broken?

Incidentally I have bumped into to Amie a few times over the past 13 years. Once I was on the train to work and she sat down opposite me and started talking to me. Was weird. She still looked as gorgeous as ever. She was engaged at the time. Still very bubbly but seemed to have lost the twinkle in her eye that I remember so fondly. Saw her a few times on the train but then I moved and haven’t seen her since. I tracked her down on facebook and one Saturday night a couple of months ago I was at home alone drinking champagne and she started talking to me on Facebook chat. Turns out she has moved back to our hometown and is Single and seemed unhappy. I indicated that when I get back there we should catch up for a drink. She said she would like that. See how easy it is? Why couldn’t I have known this 14 years ago?


02/05/10 – Musings of a Broken Man (An Overview & growing up)

Everybody seems to be going blog crazy so I thought it might be time to get into the action. I think starting a blog could be very therapeutic and maybe help me look at a lot of things plaguing my life. I am a broken man and sometimes feel as though all that I am doing is avoidance and not tackling the problem head on. At least I am man enough to admit that I am broken Human, man enough to admit that I am to blame for my own predicament and man enough to admit that only one person can change or fix things and that ultimately is me.

One of the things I do regularly is a lot of self-psychoanalysis. At Uni I did a subject for one semester ‘Psychoanalysis and Phenomenology’ and a lot of that made perfect sense to me. There are reasons people act the way they do. I often find myself psychoanalyzing my friends and people I know in my head when I meet and talk to them. It’s very rare that I share my thoughts with them because a lot of people don’t like what I have to say about them. Also the fact that I am not qualified in any way at all makes me hesitant to share my views. Some people press me to share and are mostly offended and don’t agree with my hypothesis. I realize the truth hurts and people don’t like acknowledging harsh realities especially about their own lives. I’m no exception. That’s why avoidance is my best friend.

Why am I telling you all this? I think I’m just setting a background for how I have come to the conclusion I am broken. Why I am who I am. Why I don’t like the person who looks back at me in the mirror on a daily basis.

I realize this is a very clichĂ© place to start but I want to start back a long time ago when I was a little boy. I was always a little bit different to the other children. Children can be brutally honest amongst themselves and not even realize the cruelty they are inflicting on others. So I don’t blame anybody in any way but I was always referred to as a bit of weirdo, a bit strange. Even at home. I was a very affectionate young boy and that was frowned upon in my family. My family isn’t so big on emotional things like hugs and kisses. I was always led to believe that crying was a sign of weakness. Any physical emotional response was met with resistance. So as a result I grew up into an adolescent who was clueless when it came to how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Plus having friends who also had no idea how to interact with them didn’t help and I was probably given some bad advice along the way.

Even back then I totally lacked confidence which still haunts me to this very day. Despite being a reasonably intelligent young man I wasn’t very sporty or very good looking and it always seemed the boys who played footy got the girls at school. I guess in a small country town that is always going to be the way. Don’t get me wrong I had plenty of female friends in High School, they all seemed okay with me but always made it abundantly clear that nothing was ever going to happen relationship wise or sexually so I knew to never go there. Really frustrating when you see some of these footyheads using them and bragging to the other boys in the footy team.

But I felt there was nothing I could do. It was such a difficult time for a confused teenager. Not unlike the Matrix “Blue Pill/Red Pill” dilemma. What would you do? The right thing and try and warn your female friends about what the boys were really up to, knowing that it wouldn’t ever change their thoughts of you and convince them you were the guy they should be going out with. Or would you give these guys that you secretly despised inside the ‘inside info’ to help them add another notch to their belt in the hope they would let you hang out and feel part of the group. For a teenage boy discovering his own sexuality not a pleasant choice to have to make. It was around this time I did make a choice. I stood up for what was right. I lost mates, the girls thought I was a kind hearted guy (you’re such a great friend Wes thank you) and I was destined to never have a high school girl friend.